


Empty

by lightherons



Series: Did You Look at the Moon and Stars, Too, Tonight? [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s08e02 Where's My Meth?, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Slurs, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 18:31:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12710538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightherons/pseuds/lightherons
Summary: “Everyone’s looking at me like I’m some kind of pussy for not being okay that she’s dead. I know she was a shit mom, but-”Also known as: In which Ian gets to express himself and isn't mocked for having feelings.





	Empty

“Everyone’s looking at me like I’m some kind of pussy for not being okay that she’s dead. I know she was a shit mom, but-” He can’t bring himself to say anything bad about her, other than that. He takes a deep breath and leans against the wall of the room, head tilted back and staring at the ceiling.

He can hear his siblings downstairs, discussing their newest problems. Fiona with the apartment building, Lip and his new rival, Debbie and her new friends. Carl and Liam, thankfully, are silent. Although, he thinks Liam is over at a friend's house. A  _rich_ friend's house.

"Hey, as much as I didn't like her, she did some good." He can hear loud noises - partying - in the background of the call. "She cared about you. Anyone could see that."

"I loved her, even when I shouldn't have." Besides Trevor, (hell, maybe even  _with_ Trevor), there are only two people that he can stand being vulnerable with. Open, exposed, raw. "She dragged me halfway across the country and screwed me up along the way, but she was the only one who understood what's in my head." He picks at a spot on his sheets.

"You doing okay?" Mickey asks. The noises on the other side get quieter, muffled, as if Mickey went into a different room.

"Yeah. For the most part. I don't want to end up like her, ruining everything good in my life, so I'm keeping up with it."

The pills, the doctors. Whatever they can afford. He, also, doesn't want to lose his job.

"Good. I know grief can mess things up," Mickey says. "Your family's shit at grief."

Ian nodded. "Yeah, they are. But, I think it's just like a scar. There's only so many times you can get hurt in the same place until it damages the nerves and you can't feel it anymore."

He hears a short laugh and an inhale from a cigarette. "Fuck, man. That's too deep for this early in the day." But, the laugh is there all the same.

"Hey, biological fact."

"Yeah, alright, Mr. EMT." He can practically  _hear_ the smile,  _hear_ the pride in Mickey's voice. Despite himself, he's happy that  _someone_ 's proud of him.

"You doing okay?" Ian asks, cradling the phone between his shoulder and his head. "Stayin' out of trouble?"

"Yep," Mickey replies. "I'm alright. Not perfect because a certain someone ditched me at the border, but.." He trails off. Ian doesn't feel insulted. He smiles.

"Maybe one day. I got too much here right now." Still, there's an emptiness in his life. He keeps expecting to see Mickey down the street. He sees Terry Milkovich around, sometimes, and a few of Mickey's brothers. He hears from Mandy every now and then, but it's different. Everything's different. "You hear Sveta got arrested?"

"No shit?" Mickey laughs. "What for?"

"V got her busted by ICE. Illegal Russian with ties to prostitution," Ian says. He can't help but feel bad for her. He still remembers that day in the Milkovich living room.

"How's Genya?"

"Kev and V have him. He's doing good, Mick." Ian doesn't mention how Yevgeny barely even remembers Mickey. At least there were a few photos that Ian can show him, to remind him of his biological father. Though, there was that awkward time that Yevgeny called  _him_ Daddy. Svetlana had laughed at that.

"Good to hear. Maybe I'll get to see him one day."

They both know there's a very slim chance of that unless Ian can sneak Yevgeny across the border. Mickey isn't coming back. "Yeah, maybe," Ian replies. "We'll go on a road trip to Mexico."

Mickey doesn't respond to that. Ian doesn't expect him to. The tone of the conversation has shifted into one of despair and regret. There is so much unsaid and so much that Ian  _wants_  to say, but he keeps quiet.

"How's the boyfriend?" Mickey changes the topic, quickly.

Ian smiles. Small and soft, but he smiles. "He's pissed at me. I don't blame him. I did ditch him to run away with you."

"You went back, though. That oughta count for something."

Ian shrugs. "He's allowed to be as mad as he wants. Just means I'll have to work harder to get him back."

"You better," Mickey warns. "He seems good for you."

"He is. I like him a lot."

"You deserve to be happy, Ian. You, more than anyone."

"Ian!" Lip's voice shouts from downstairs.

"Fuck," Ian swears and holds the phone closer. "Lip's coming. I have to go." Suddenly, Ian doesn't know what to say. He never does when they end their calls.  _I miss you_.  _I love you._   _I need you_. None of them encompass what he wants to say. Maybe he means all three.

"Okay," Mickey replies. Mickey never knows either. Neither of them want to stop talking.

Finally, Ian speaks. "I love you."

Mickey doesn't even hesitate: "I love you, too."

The call disconnects. Mickey ending it. Ian pulls the phone away from his ear and stares at it, the private number on the screen flashes once before disappearing. He feels empty.

"Ian," Lip calls out from the door. Ian looks at him. The two lock eyes and Lip looks at the phone in Ian's hand. A look of pity appears on his face for a brief moment before it disappears as Lip leans against the door frame. "Time to eat. Fi brought KFC."

Ian nods and smiles at his brother. He gets up and pockets his phone. As he draws closer, Lip pulls him in for a hug, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. They don't speak of what Lip must have overheard. Neither mentions the phone calls to anyone else.

He still feels empty.

**Author's Note:**

> I write when angry. This episode made me _very_ angry. I made up nicknames for Svetlana and Yevgeny based on actual Russian nicknames for their names.


End file.
